Recently I wrote a blog about becoming an empty nester. My oldest child, Joseph, was featured in that post. It was brought to my attention by my youngest child, Alessandra, that her story was not included in that piece. I explained to her that the point of the story was becoming an empty nester and that Joseph was the one who made me such. But she said if she didn't know me, she would have questions after reading my blog.
As a writer I believe one of my responsibilities is to answer the question so what? In all honesty, I think I did that in my empty nest blog. But my daughter has a desire to read about when she left the home so I have an obligation to tell that story as well. I do, after all, have 3 children and each has his or her story. At some point, James gets to have his story told as well.
In all fairness, I have written about Allie's and my relationship several times because, for good or for bad, there has been much to tell. My heart has been broken many times as has hers, but we have lived to tell about it. That is a miracle to end of all miracles in and of itself.
Allie and I, however, have done much more then survive our relationship. We have come out on the other side with reconciliation and, I believe, redemption which is far greater and more beautiful that just living to tell about it.
When I divorced Allie's father we had been married for 20 long years, probably at least 10 years longer than we should have been (but that is another story). Our relationship was troubled and one in which I was emotionally, and in the end, physically abused. It was a horrific ending to a crazy, rollercoaster ride of a marriage. Allie was only 11 when we spilt up and, as the youngest, probably took the break-up the hardest. She was at a difficult age anyway, but having to go through what she did during one of her most difficult years was extremely painful for her.
Unfortunately, I wasn't aware of just how much she was going through. During that timeframe I has escaped an abusive relationship and was starting to find myself. It was a time of newfound happiness for me though it was still difficult. I was still raising 3 kids by myself and trying to get used to the fact that I was no longer part of a married couple. I was now divorced.
Allie says I wasn't there for her. I thought that I was. I am sure, however, that I buried my head in the sand as my kids did things I didn't see...maybe because I didn't want to see. It had become all about me wanting to feel good again and some things got neglected.
It's not like I went out partying or slept around or wasn't home. I was home. I was there physically, but not emotionally. My daughter needed me and I tried to be there, but I didn't try hard enough. It breaks my heart to realize these things now and I wish I could go back. I'd go back in time if I could, but I can't.
But I can go forward.
Last January Allie and I had a huge disagreement that resulted in her moving out of our home. I was heartbroken beyond belief. I had never wanted her to leave, but we had exchanged angry texts, one thing led to another, and in the blink of an eye she was gone! Our relationship looked as if it were in disrepair. I begged her to come back, over and over. Those were some of the most painful days of my life. I was despondent and broken and I just wanted my little girl to come home. There were days I didn't even know if I could go on, it was that bad. Sometimes I would just walk by her room and cry; other times I would just go and sit in her room and think about the little girl that once was...
Allie is fiercely independent, she says mostly because she has to be. Regardless, it is one of many traits she has that I admire. She is also pig-headed and oh, so stubborn (a not so wonderful family trait). She would not come back. Several months later she did come back with a friend in tow. It went well until we had another horrible altercation and this time she was gone for good, never to return.
Soon after she moved out the second time she did the unthinkable: she moved across the country to California, of all places! Not only did she leave our home, she left our state. I honestly didn't think I would survive. If it were not for my boyfriend, Ric, Joseph, my friends, and God, there would have been no way I would have kept it together.
After a month of being in California, Allie returned home, for a variety of reasons. She did not want to come back, but had to. While I was happy for me, I really was sad for her because I wanted her to follow her dreams...and I admired her so for following them. I would have never had so much courage at 18! I don't even think at 52 I could just pick up and leave Colorado!
Many wonderful things happened as a result of Allie leaving Colorado and coming back. For one, she grew up. She changed a lot during that time and I give her all the credit for that. I think I changed a bit, too. I let her go and in so doing, I grew up a bit as well.
During the weeks that followed her return from California we had some great talks. Some of them will forever remain in my heart as some of my best moments up to this point of being her mom. I listened to some difficult things; she had issues with me and I had to face it. I had issues with her as well. Ultimately, however, I am the mom and the adult. I am the one who reconciliation must start with.
So I loved Allie. I let her talk and vent and express. And I learned so much about her during these times, things that profoundly impacted the way I looked at her and the way I looked at us. I cannot even express how mind-blowing some of her revelations were and just how proud I am that she can put into words things that most adults I know can't even begin to understand.
So that, in a nutshell, is the abbreviated version of how my youngest left home. It was definitely not pretty and not how I wanted it to be. It was not at all like her brother's departure. But it was the way she left and, for whatever reason, was the way it was supposed to happen, not just for her benefit and growth, but for mine as well.
Thank God the story does not end here. God, in His grace and mercy, is allowing my daughter and I a second chance. Well, more than a second chance. He is working out this relationship for His glory and I am oh, so grateful to be a participant in this crazy life adventure with the little girl I nicknamed Alligator all those years ago.
She is my heart, the very best part of me.
When She Left
