Tuesday nights are special to me. You see, this is the night when This is Us comes on. When I watched it for the first time, I fell in love. Not just with the characters and the story line, but the realness of the show. I could relate because I saw pieces of my life in the pieces of the characters' lives. I think that is probably how everyone that loves the show feels; it is such a relatable, honest show.
If I don't cry during an episode, then something is wrong; it is probably more telling of where I am at than where the show is. Probably means I need a gut check...or maybe a heart check.
I always anxiously await the airing of the show, but I was even more excited for the Winter premiere. I was especially curious to see how Kevin's addiction issues were going to be handled. I was not disappointed. While I was not disappointed with how the show was progressing, I was a bit surprised that, 45 minutes or so into it, I still had not shed a tear. I honestly started to ask myself, "Are you okay?"
I received my answer just a few minutes later during a poignant scene between adult Kate, Randall and Kevin. As the three sat on a bench, arms around each other, consoling one another about their crazy childhood and what they had just experienced, all of a sudden they vanished. They were instantly replaced by my brother, Eric and me. I began to cry. No, make that sob.
I watched the siblings embrace and was envious of the relationship these characters had, through thick and thin. Though they had just been through one heck of a therapy session together, they came out of it on each other's side, still supporting one another, still there for one another.
In that moment, I mourned the loss of that type of closeness and support of my older brother. In recent years we just have not been that close. I can't tell you why really. We are very different and run in different social circles. God is the center of my life, but not his. We are in a completely different world as far as our socioeconomic status. We just grew apart, I guess, because there was a time when we were very close. It's not like any on thing happened; we just aren't close any more. I miss when we were.
Moments later I began to sob harder. I began to mourn the loss of not just Eric, but also Scott, my brother who died over six years ago. All of a sudden I looked at the three siblings on that bench and saw what could never, ever be again for my siblings and me: all of us together, in the same place, embracing one another, providing support for one another. I let go of the possibility of ever being protected by my two big brothers again like Kate is protected by hers. The loss of what I had and what could have been hit me in the face like a cold Chicago wind.
Later on in the show Kevin and his mom have a heart-to-heart about his childhood. She explains why she dealt with him as she did when he was a child. She tells him he was the strong one so she felt she never had to worry about him. I related to that, too. She said she knew that they had their good moments together, that she could feel it in her bones.
In a flash I saw my mom and me, going on shopping excursions and vacations, remembering that amidst a stormy relationship, there were more than a few good times. I then flash backed on my own experiences as a mom. Could I think of special times with each of my kids individually? Of course! There were dozens of them. Could Joseph, James and Allie honestly say the same? I would have to honestly say yes. As many as I'd hoped for? If I'm honest with myself, probably not.
So where does all of this ultimately leave me -- and everyone else -- whether we watch This is Us or not? There are two choices, really. We can choose to throw up our hands in despair and give up or we can persevere with others and, more importantly, with ourselves, knowing that as much as others may need to change, we ultimately can only control what we do.
And we can be patient with ourselves or self-condemning -- it's truly our choice. For me it can be a battle because I, like everyone else, sometimes need to blame someone or something when bad things happen or when things don't turn out the way I wish they had. I ultimately end up finding solace in the fact that, on a good day, I believe that we are all simply doing the very best that we can do with the tools we've been given. Some of us simply have been given more tools.
Funny how time and perspective work together to reveal great things and give us the gifts of wisdom and acceptance, should we choose to receive them. I contemplate these things -- and many more -- and realize that God uses countless situations and people to impart His gifts to me; even a television show that comes on Tuesday nights at 8:00 pm.
This (Really) Is Us
