It seemed to happen overnight. My mom's health went from not so bad to really bad, really quickly. Sure, she has had her ups and downs, mostly downs, in the past 5 years or so. And I guess the slow progression was there in the beginning, but now, all of a sudden, it has worsened to the degree that we need to start saying goodbye. But, of course, we are not God...and only He knows how many days that have been numbered for her.
I could write a book (and one day I just might) about my family; about the struggles and the dysfunction. I guess most of us could. There is way more to say about it than time. So I will start with just saying I never thought this would happen so fast. And I never thought my feelings would be what they are.
You see, my mom and I have had a tumultuous relationship. It began when I was a teenager and has continued, to this day, well into my 50s and into her 80s. There have been many days, weeks, months, and maybe even years that I have spent time being sad, bitter, angry, disillusioned...but mostly having pity parties about my mom. I so wanted a different one, but I got the one I got. You can pick your friends, they say, but not your family. How true that statement is.
Looking back, all of those negative feelings were just wasted time. They did nothing to change our relationship and they did not change her. Luckily, I have been the one to change. Seeing my mom in a hospital bed in assisted living, some days not knowing if she's coming or going mentally, all I feel now is sadness, remorse, regret, compassion and empathy.
When I go for visits to see my mom, I never know what I'm going to get. Some days she is mostly with it, some days she talks in riddles and of dead relatives as if they are still alive. Some days she cries; other days she laughs. Some days she is angry. I do my best to talk about happy memories, to reminisce with her, to show her pictures, to read to her. Sometimes all I can do is just look at her, hold her hand, and try not to lose it.
As difficult as all of this is, I wouldn't trade it. That sounds trite and made up, but it really is true. If it has to be (and it does), then I have two choices: I can continue to camp on negative emotions or I can look at this as an opportunity; an opportunity to be the daughter and person that I should have been and really could have been all these years had I not been so busy thinking only of myself. God has allowed me to have these moments with my mom and I look at them as a gift. I really do.
Recently my dad was talking with a nurse and he, like all of us, was perplexed at how fast my mom's mental health has gone South. He said, "I thought it was supposed to be the long goodbye." I know that my brother and I have asked that same question. The truth is, we have no idea how long she will live. We do know that she has Alzheimer's and soon she may not even know who we are. So I keep trying to remember that today has enough worry for itself...we can do nothing about tomorrow.
And so I visit her, even though there are days I don't want to. When I leave, I kiss her and tell I love her (something I just started doing; those 3 words were not used much in our household growing up). More importantly...and most important...I work very hard on releasing her from responsibility of the hurt, pain and bitterness I have held onto for decades. It simply is not important any more, not even a factor in our relationship. And in that act of forgiving her, I become more and more free every day.
Like I said, spending time with her is truly a gift, probably much more for me than for her...
The (Not So) Long Goodbye
