I have always had issues with my mother. Looking back, we have had some good times and some bad times. But have we actually ever been close? I really don't think so. The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that things have run smoothly when I give her what she wants. The day that I realized this was indeed a very, very sad day for me. And I am still grieving it.
I could literally write a book about all the feelings I am experiencing right now. And maybe I will do just that. But right now I need to get some of my thoughts down because I know it will ultimately help me and, perhaps, I will find healing through it all. I think for way too long I looked at my relationship with my father as the reason for my insecurities, my highly sensitive soul, my inferior feelings, my lack of self worth, of never feeling good enough. While I know my dad's alcoholism indeed played a role, I now believe that my mother played a much greater role in my lack of feeling good about myself than my dad ever did.
I now have come to realize that my mom is a narcissist. Let me make one thing clear: I know that I am a bit of one myself and so is everyone else. We like to think of ourselves first, we think of how things affect us before how they affect others. But I am thinking of the TRUE meaning of the word and I believe it fits her perfectly. I am sure there are many definitions, but this is one that I particularly like: "inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love. Erotic gratification derived from admiration of one's own physical or mental attributes, being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development."
My brother, Eric, has been the one that has caused me to look more deeply into our mom's disorder. I mean, I have ALWAYS known her to be preoccupied with her, but I just looked at it as selfish. Now I look at it as something that she actually KNOWS she does and takes great joy in it. Again, this realization has caused me great, great sadness.
Knowing it helps me begin to process a lot of things and makes me feel like maybe I need some counseling in order to understand it all. But, more than that, I am struggling with what to do with it. In other words, how do I continue to be in any type of relationship with her? To say that I don't want to ever see her or speak to her again is too strong; I would feel too much guilt. But to say that I want a close relationship...or even feel it is possible...is on the other end of the spectrum. So what do I do?
How do I reconcile my Christian faith with wanting to distance myself from someone who is toxic in my life? For the life of me, I just don't know what to do. Perhaps this is where I need to seek counseling. I know that if I talked to 100 people about this, I would probably get 100 opinions. Which would be the truth? Only God's way is the perfect one. But I highly doubt He will tell me what to do in an audible voice. And if He does, I think I may want to run for the hills.
What makes the struggle harder is really believing that my mom is this type of person...and that she takes great delight in drawing people in to her deceptive web, the reality she has created. So I guess I am just struggling with all of this on so many levels.
When I look at my mom, I remember good times. I do not look back and remember all bad. But there are big pieces of my life that I cannot even remember. I can remember not receiving much encouragement and I can remember her forcing me to go to therapy when I was a teen because "she could not handle me." And then I look at a website last night about moms who are narcissists and it says that very thing; that it's a mom who sends her kid to therapy because she cannot deal with her. Not because she wants her daughter to get better but because she cannot handle her. I can remember many, many times that she made me feel guilty for not doing something...like when she was in the hospital the last few times and I didn't visit her...but I didn't even know she was in the hospital.
When I think about all of it, it is enough to make me literally crazy. And I am amazed that I am not literally crazy.
Anyway, the bottom line in all of this is that it is incredibly painful and I need to know how to handle it. If anyone reads this and has any suggestions, I am open to them.
The Narcissistic Mother
