Rattled by a Guilty Verdict

I am not one to see any colors other than black and white.  Or so it used to be.

If someone murders, I have always believed they should get the death penalty.  If someone rapes, they should go to jail forever.  If someone abuses a child, they should have to be abused in the same way.  I am not one to pull any punches. 

Usually.

I love sports. And I love sports figures.  Growing up, I adored football and had many idols.  One of them was OJ Simpson.  When OJ was arrested for killing his ex-wife, Nicole, and her friend, Ronald Goldman, I was devastated.  But more than that, I wanted justice.  I knew he did it and wanted him to not only be declared guilty, but to be given the death penalty.  In a way, he murdered more than two people:  he stole my childhood innocence which was also a crime for which he needed to be punished.

A few years ago when Aaron Hernandez was arrested for murder, I'm not sure I even knew who he was. Over the years my heart had wandered from football and had embraced baseball.  And Hernandez was a star NFL player.

During Hernandez' trial I paid no attention.  This is a stark contrast to the attention I paid to OJ's trial; I was a stay-at-home mom who watched his trial every single day and encouraged her 2 year old son to say "OJ Simpson guilty."  Two days ago as I entered the gym at the hotel I am currently working at, I saw the news that the verdict in the Hernandez trial had come down and I watched as the jurors found him guilty of all charges.

After the verdict, it was all I could think about.  All of a sudden I was emotionally tied up in this trial, watching as much coverage of the aftermath as I could.  That night I even watched an hour-long special on CNN that chronicaled his rise...and fall...and the possible reasons for the latter. 

Why, all of a sudden, was I so impacted by this story?  I didn't understand.  As the news showed images of the man, I was overcome by the resemblance Hernandez has to my middle son, James.  While James hasn't committed murder, he has struggled with many things and has gone down a path I have been heartbroken by.  He is doing much better now, but, as his mother, I hold my breath and I pray -- a lot. 

On another level, there is something deeply troubling to me about this story.  I had heard that Hernandez had had a checkered past and had been involved with gangs, among other things.  The hour long news story I watched told a completely different story.  Hernandez was a sports star from a very young age and his family was respected in their community.  He had a great relationship with his athlete brother and his father.  When Aaron was 16, his father tragically died and Aaron was left without a mentor.  Shortly after his father's untimely death, Hernandez started to unravel.

Even so, he was drafted by the New England Patriots after college and had a very bright future.  I guess it troubles me that someone with so much could throw it all away so easily.  How does this happen? 

As the TV commentators judged him, I felt compassion.  I felt profound sadness.  I still do.  Again, it is hard for me to put my finger on exactly why.  I guess it is several things, rolled up into one.  And I guess it really doesn't matter WHY I feel what I do; I just feel it and that is ok.

Often, sports are a path toward redemption for men who grow up impoverished or troubled.  Sports provide a way out, so to speak. They provide escape.  For Aaron Hernandez, sports were a vehicle in which he drove the wrong way. They became his way to hell, not heaven.  We may never know why, but my only hope is that Hernandez comes to terms with what he did...and that he finds lasting redemption, the kind that only God can provide.