I dread this time of year. I know this is not the politically correct thing to say, but that, in and of itself, is one reason I hate this time of year. What used to be Merry Christmas has been replaced with Happy Holidays. But that is only one reason I abhor the holidays.
Lest you think I am the Grinch, let me explain: I have not always been this way. I used to embrace the holidays. I couldn't wait to cook on Thanksgiving and it was never early enough for me to decorate my house for Christmas. I loved to wrap gifts and I baked plate after plate of decadent treats to give away to countless friends.
But then real life happened. I got a divorce. I became estranged from my brother, then said brother passed away. My parents became older, sicker and lost their will to celebrate. My sister-in-law decided that her sister-in-law and I did not get along so we could not have an all-family gathering. Then said sister-in-law's brother passed away recently. Unexpectedly, like my brother before him. My boyfriend moved away from his kids and moved here, leaving two of my three kids unhappy and two of his kids unhappy. The list goes on...
The holidays have become a reminder of not what I have, but what I don't. I know, I know, this is the wrong attitude and it flies in the face of what this time of year should be. I understand, I get it, which is one more reason I despise this time of year. We are all SUPPOSED to act and feel a certain way, like a Norman Rockwell painting. But most of us do not have the picture-perfect family...or even close. We are broken, fractured, aching, melancholy, broke, stressed humans...living in a world that tells us to be jolly, to spend money we don't have, to connect and spend time with our families because that's what this time of year is all about.
But what do we do when our families are a mess? Am I being dramatic? I think not. My family put the dys in dysfunctional. Perhaps you can relate. Though this is not what we want, it is our reality. It wasn't always, but it is now. The shift began when I got divorced, then when my brother died. My parents have never recovered from either and never miss a chance to verbalize it. A lot of blame goes on, a lot of sorrow and depression. But mostly no one wants to move past it so each holiday season becomes more and more like the one before. No growth, no reconciliation, no joy.
I know I am blessed. I have my health, the love of a good man, three wonderful children. I have a good job and financial stability. I have more friends than I can count, I'm in fairly good shape and I look pretty good for a 52 year old woman who doesn't get enough sleep or exercise and who does not drink nearly enough water, but probably too much wine. The list of blessings goes on and on.
But human nature says we want what we do not have. And I want an intact family, parents who call me just to see how I am, not because they want something. I want a brother who I can relate to and be myself with. I want my other brother back so I can restore our relationship before he goes to be with Jesus. I want my kids to be whole and I want them to have two parents that can be in the same room with each other without wanting to rip each other's hair out. I want to have family traditions that are upheld and I want BIG family gatherings, instead of figuring out alternate dates of when we can get together because everything has to be segregated.
Call me a dreamer, but I don't think any of this is too much to ask. After all, whether you believe it or not, this time of year is all about miracles. And I could use one right about now.
(Not So) Happy Holidays
