Over the past few days I have been contemplating heavy issues, including domestic violence. I've been thinking about what drives someone to murder, to abuse, to think of themself as less than they really are. Heavy stuff for sure, but worth thinking about.
For most of my life I have defined myself by my relationships with men. This started when I was about 5 years old and continues until this day. Because I have had less than ideal relationships, my opinion of myself has been negative and ultimately warped. Even though I know the truth: the only opinion that matters is God's because He made me and loves me unconditionally, I rarely remember this truth and allow myself to be led by emotions and feelings instead.
The longest relationship of my life was my 20 year marriage to a man that had issues. We all have them, of course, but he had violence issues and he hated women, me included. There is no doubt in my mind that he loved me, loves me, even though we have been divorced for 6 years. But his abusive tendencies were what caused me to divorce him and I still fear that, one day, he may kill me. But his issues are indeed his issues and are about him, not me. Again, another truth that's hard to remember.
Yesterday I read a story about Milton Bradley, an ex MLB player, and his on-again, off-again marriage. As I read through pages and pages of their conversations and events that happened during their marriage, I saw myself and some of my relationships in those events and words. The words he hurled at her, the lies he told to himself and to others, the lack of respect he had for her....I could relate to all of it for I had lived it. It was chilling to me especially because, in the end, she ended up dead. Though he did not actually kill her, how much of the horrific words he hurled at her and the punches her threw at her contributed to her demise?
Today a good friend sent me a text with words that were encouraging to me; they were words about sexiness and what that means. She told me I was one of the sexiest women she knew! When I think of myself and look at myself in the mirror, I seldom think I'm sexy. Sometimes, when I am at the perfect weight or my hair looks exactly the way I want or my clothes fit just right, I think I'm sexy. But most of the time I feel like I just don't hit the mark; that I'm not quite good enough. Reading her message made me think twice about my attitude about myself and made me re-evaluate what I think about myself and other women.
From there I began to think about all of my relationships with men over the decades. Some have been more ideal than others, but none of them have made me feel complete. None of them have satisfied the feelings I have deep in my soul. Should they? I don't know. Maybe it's me or maybe it's them or a combination of the two. Or maybe it's just that I am supposed to feel complete in myself and stop trying to look to another to "complete me." Ultimately God is the only one who can make me feel complete, if I would but let him.
These topics are heavy, for sure. But there is much truth in them. Honestly, I am GOOD enough, even if that means being alone. I don't have to settle and I certainly do not have to define myself -- EVER -- but what any man thinks of me. I have a long way to go, but I am on the path. And that is GOOD ENOUGH for me.
Never Good Enough?
