We all know these words, don't we? We say we want to live by them, but we don't. Well, at least I don't.
There have been so many times that I swear I am going to live by them, I am going to shake off the petty stuff. Like the time my brother, Scott, passed away at the age of 49. Yes, I am going to make every day, every minute, every second count, because I am still here and he is not.
That was, until a bill came that I didn't expect...or I got held up in traffic...or an ex said something that really, really, really made me mad. So I somehow became, once again, justified in my anger, in my discontent, in my misery.
It has been a difficult week for me. Many things have gone down that have, well, not gone down so well. I will not dwell on those things now. Instead, I will talk about the one thing that happened this week that was truly life-changing for many people. I hope, once again, it will be just as life-changing for me.
I found out today that my sister-in-law's brother, Grant, passed away. Grant was a fairly young man, in his prime, with a wife and two adoring, beautiful children. Grant, it seems, had everything to live for: a great marriage, two wonderful children, a great job, success, a nice house. But apparently all of this was not enough, as is often the case for many, many other Grants in this world. Today Grant decided this life is not all it's cracked up to be. He decided to pack it all in, to give it a permanent rest. Today Grant decided to end his life.
First of all, I get it. I understand. Though I have not been suicidal per se, I have contemplated it, in my weakest moment. I think, if we are honest, most of us would say we, too, have. I do not condone the act in any way, shape or form and I think there must be no greater hurt to deal with than the loss of a loved one that truly didn't have to be lost.
I got the call from my brother, Eric, the only sibling I have left because I, too, have lost a brother, much too young, even though it was not suicide. But as the great philosopher John Travolta said in the movie Stayin' Alive, there are many ways of killing yourself without truly killing yourself. So, in essence, my brother did the same, of a drug overdose, at the age of 49.
Eric is a confident man, one of the most confident men I know. For him to be shaken up takes a lot. By the end of the call, his voice was shaking and he was crying. My heart broke for him and his wife and the family of this young man who felt so helpless and hopeless that he chose to leave the pain that is this life.
All I can really do for them is pray...and offer anything else up that may be helpful. I believe in a sovereign God who rules over all, but I don't always agree with what He does. Or how He does it. And there are certainly times I raise my fist and scream "Why?" He understands. He created me and knows how fragile I am. He knew Grant's fragility as well. It does not take Him by surprise or leave Him questioning.
In the end, all we have is God and love and hope and each other. All we have is grace to extend to each other and, hopefully, grace that we extend to ourselves. Once again, I told myself today, my problems are miniscule, though I have made them HUGE, and I am going to live today well. That is, until I got behind the wheel of my car and people drove way toooo slow and the person at the fast food drive-up window wanted to charge me way toooooo much.
I guess I still have some living to do.....
Life is Fleeting
