There is so much debate going back and forth about abortion today. It makes me sick to my stomach. Not just because I am pro-life, but because I have personally experienced what it feels like to abort my own child. And it is something I will never, ever get over.
I'm sure there are those out there who, before they even read this, will judge my motives for writing it. That's fine; everyone has their right to think what they want and everyone has their own story. But, as this was MY experience, please respect how I feel about it.
When I was a senior in college I found out I was pregnant. At the time, I was engaged. I was without excuse, yet chose to rid myself of an inconvenient pregnancy. I had my "reasons" which I will not go into here, but none of them were noble.
Even though my fiance begged me not to go through with my abortion, I chose to anyway, selfishly dismissing his feelings. Yes, he had feelings as it was HIS child, too. He did not force me to have sex with him, I chose to voluntarily, knowing that I could very well become pregnant.
At no point did I ever declare the mantra "My body, my choice." I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the child I carried was not my part of my body. I KNEW, at 21 years of age, that what I was about to do was a selfish act, done to preserve my reputation and integrity.
But nothing was preserved in my choice.
I suffered deep depression after having my abortion. I turned inward and the decision destroyed my relationship with my fiance. I felt guilt; I felt shame. I am 55 years old now and I STILL remember how I felt afterwards. It took years before I felt completely healed and forgiven.
Five years after my abortion, I became a born-again Christian yet I remained pro-choice. Through a series of miraculous events, I did not remain so. My heart was changed and, to me, that in and of itself can only come from an awesome God. I became completely healed after reading a book about the sanctity of life and after attending a post-abortion support group hosted by Alternatives Pregnancy Center in Denver. I sought forgiveness from God, my ex-fiance and his family. In fact, when his mother found out I had aborted her grandchild, she cried and said she wished she had known; if she did, she said, she would have raised the baby as her own! Abortion is not an act that just affects the person doing it; it affects many other innocent people. I wish I had thought long and hard about how my decision would affect not just me, but everyone else in my life.
I have stood up in churches and given my testimony. I have listened as people who have no personal experience with abortion make judgments. I have spoken with and counseled women who have been devastated by their abortion decision. Because of all I have seen and gone through, I am pro-life. I make no apologies for it, nor will I ever do so. I should not be ridiculed for it nor be forced to listen to the vile rhetoric about it from people who will never, ever understand.
Christians are slammed for being pro-life, but also being pro-gun. We are slammed for being hypocrites as well. I admit that I am not consistent in every part of my life but neither is anyone else. We are ALL hypocrites, to one degree or another. Abortion will always be a matter of the heart, of conviction; it is not a matter of what political party you belong to. I realize I will never, ever change another person's heart by arguing -- and neither will you.
Those who are closest to me know how this decision impacted my life, thus they know where my passion about the issue comes from. I am but one person, but I have been involved with ministering to both women AND men who have been negatively impacted by abortion for over 30 years. The very fact that crisis pregnancy centers exist is proof enough that abortion negatively affects a lot of people.
This is MY story. I realize that not everyone shares my experience nor will others respect my sharing. But it is God's story in my life. As He tends to do, He works all things together for good. Of this, I am convinced. I know one day I will see my baby again. I don't know what it will look like or how it will all work, but I know that I know that I know. In that moment, I will finally be 100 percent completely healed and that will be truly glorious!
I was motivated to write this today because we all should be mindful, before spouting off about anything, that there are those out there who may be sensitive to what is being said. I don't think we can ever truly understand a person until we have walked in their shoes. Like a wise friend told me recently, we have much more in common than what divides us.
I wonder if we will ever truly realize it...
How My Abortion Affected Me
