I've written here before regarding my struggles with my 17 year old daughter. Those struggles reached a head last week, with Alessandra leaving our home on January 7 and not to return as of now. I believe she will not come back; a few of my best friends feels she just needs me and is crying out for help.
As much as I want to feel like Allie needs me, the evidence is overwhelmingly against it. If she needed me, she would reach out to me. She would respond to my texts and not block me. She would be willing to meet me in the middle. But the truth is, Allie has been doing her thing for quite some time now and doesn't want parental involvement unless it somehow benefits her. Like lying for her when she is trying to get into a different school. Or going with her to court when she needs a parent there. Or paying her towing bills....or footing the bill for a first car, then a second car after she wrecked the first car. Or paying her court fees or her towing fees. When it comes to money, mom is always there, bailing her out because she has spent her money on manicures or pot or treating her friends to things.
This has been a nightmare. Part of me is relieved, I guess, to not have the daily arguments and the worry about where she is. Her not being able to drive right now is a godsend. I pray she cannot get insurance coverage and that her father will put his foot down on her buying a car and driving it without insurance. I pray she hits rock bottom and finds out that so-called friends and family will not be there for her like Ric and I have been. I hope she finds that gaining 42K that her father gave her is not worth losing her soul and her mom's support.
I hope the loss becomes more bearable for me when I hit the road on Wednesday. I have been home for nearly a month and I really need to get out there and focus on work. I need that outlet. This month will be busy with assignments and then vacation. I have much to focus on. Though I am sailing in and out of depression, there are things I am thankful for.
I am thankful for Ric and his love and support. I am thankful that Joseph supports me and has my back and is living with us right now. I am thankful for Dip. I am thankful for the goody bag I got in the mail today from Karen MacQueen with lots of wonderful skin care items for me. I am thankful for this house and a good job. For money in the bank. For good friends like Holly and Melissa, who do not judge me.
But my heart is broken over the loss of my daughter and all I can do is pray. That is truly all I have.
Heartbreak of Heartbreaks
