Grieving

Grieving.  It means different things to different people.  And different people grieve different things and in different ways. For example, you can grieve the loss of a relationship.  Most of us have been there, done that.  Some of us more often than others because we are either involved with more people during our lifetime or because we allow our hearts to be broken so easily.

Most of us have grieved the loss of a friendship...or perhaps a job.  Many of us have experienced the death of a loved one, be it a friend or family member.

The point is that grief is unavoidable in this life and sometimes it sneaks up on us, unexpectedly.

I have been thinking about grief a lot because my sister-in-law just lost her brother and she is absolutely devastated, as she should be.  Today she turned 52 and she spent the better part of the day planning her 50 year old brother's funeral.  Somehow that just doesn't seem right. Or fair.

Tonight my boyfriend and I went to visit my sister-in-law, my brother and their son, my nephew.  Before we left our home to go to theirs, I felt nervous.  I am not sure why because I have comforted grieving people before and I am not exactly shy about potentially uncomfortable situations.  On the way to their house we stopped by a liquor store to buy Linda a bottle of wine because I did not want to go to their house empty handed and it was her birthday after all.  I chose a brand called 14 Hands which has a horse on the bottle and represents how tall a horse is.  I wanted something that was profound and it dawned on me I didn't even know if she liked horses or not.  Even so, I went with it. 

When we arrived, she started to cry and I got teary eyed.  We hugged, I handed her the wine.  I allowed her to talk about her stuff, then we moved on to the vacation we recently took, my kids, etc.  We talked about all kinds of topics and we even laughed quite a bit.  I was telling Linda that I was looking for something profound at the liquor store and I wondered if she liked horses.  Turns out she loves horses, a fact I never knew, even though she has been in my life for over 3 decades!  Pretty sad but also pretty telling of many relationships we have:  we simply don't take the time to know people.  And before we do, they disappear from out lives.

But that's the thing about grief:  we learn things about others and even sometimes about ourselves that we never knew.  It brings us to our knees in a way that nothing else can.  It humbles us and makes us, somehow, more human. These are good things.  As I told Linda, good things will come out of this situation.

There have been many things that I have grieved about during my life; lots of things even in the past year.  Tonight, as we made our drive across town, there were even things that were on my heart, that were making me ache inside.  But as soon as I walked in that door, those things vanished, I put aside myself and was able to think about only others for a few short hours.  If this could only be the habit of my life I would be so much happier.  I think I will try to practice it.

When we left, we were thanked, as if we did something that was noble or worthy of praise.  We simply showed up to be with hurting people.  My brother hoped it was not something we did out of obligation which I think it absolutely crazy.  I rarely do things out of obligation....and this certainly did not fall into that category.  But I guess I see his point and validate it.

I sincerely hope that I can be the kind of person that practices these kinds of things, even when people are not going through such deep, heartfelt grief.  After all there are people all around us, every day, that are carrying burdens we cannot see if we would simply open our eyes.