I have always thought of myself as a great friend. In fact, when I compare myself to others, I usually pat myself on the back, puff up my chest and think, "Wow, Erin, you deserve a gold star." I've also always thought of myself as being very self-aware so deep down I know that I fall...and have fallen...way short in this area.
Even though self-awareness is a good thing, no one (just like no one is the perfect friend) can get it right 100% of the time. Sadly I've found I fall extremely short in this area as well, but not-so-sadly, I have a few faithful friends who pick up the slack for me.
Over the course of the past several months I have had three different friends point out my less-than-perfect track record of keeping in touch.. Now I AM the first to admit that I have a tendency to withdraw from others, especially when I am sad or struggling. Even so, I pride myself in being a great communicator, meaning I almost always respond when I receive a text from someone, especially if that text is of an urgent nature. But when someone you love looks you in the eye and says, "I needed you...and you weren't there," you realize that simply responding to a text now and then has clearly not done the trick.
Another caveat to this story is I'm an introvert. This means many things, but one of the greatest is that I can be quite flaky when it comes to making plans AND keeping them. In other words, I have the best intentions when I make those plans, but my mood can change in a heartbeat and I may not feel so excited about said plans once they are imminent.
Knowing these things about myself and having also been on the receiving end of others ghosting me, I have become much more aware of all the ways I miss the mark and have been working hard to edit my behavior. But it's not just my behavior that needs editing; more than that, it's my mind that needs an overhaul. If I remember just how important my relationships are and that they are to be valued above all else, I won't have to think so hard about reaching out and spending quality time with others, I just WILL.
As I said, I feel I have been doing better. But just when I think I've got it down, another wave comes crashing down on my head (i.e., another friend tells me I have screwed up, although not in such harsh of terms) and I am right back at doing damage control. Oh how I am tired of feeling like a hamster on a wheel, running endlessly, but getting nowhere fast!
Yesterday I met with a dear friend who I have known since high school. She has endured much loss recently and felt an urgent desire to meet with her in person. It was an emotional time for both of us, as we talked about grief, our kids, our friendship; tears flowed and that is always a good thing as far as I'm concerned. At some point I found my hand reaching out to hers, apologizing for my apparent apathetic attitude toward our friendship. Such moments are beautiful and humbling. I wish they were also unnecessary.
There is a wonderful Bible verse that says "Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy" (Proverbs 27:6). No truer words have ever been spoken on the topic of genuine love. If we love our friends, we will speak truth into their lives. I am grateful for that truth and thankful for the ones who love me enough to live it out.
Faithful are the Wounds...
