The Day conjures up many an emotion for so many of us.
When I had a mom, I often lamented the fact that we weren't the picture of closeness, that I often felt guilted into spending time with her, even after I became a mom. I remember cheerfully telling her, "Happy Mother's Day," and her saying thank you, rarely remembering to return the favor to me.
And it hurt. It made me angry.
How do I feel about it now? I have empathy for her, for she was a woman that could not tell her very own daughter Happy Mother's Day. In hindsight, I would understand and grant her grace and I would gladly spend just one more day with her. I would now know that her title alone, even with her flaws and imperfections, garnered respect.
Yes, I would be different because I am different. I have the benefit of being on the other side of the situation. Hindsight.
Maybe, just maybe, I would understand, too, that I was not -- am not -- the easiest person to deal with. As a daughter, I was sometimes a pain in the butt. As a wife, mom, friend, I am flawed and am a work in progress, thanks to God.
Later on, after I became a mom, I felt blessed to have my own three, but the day was often a let-down for a variety of reasons, none of which I choose to identify at the moment. Or ever. Only my journal knows. Some of it had to do with how my husband felt about the whole mom thing, but some of it was because my expectations were too high. And perhaps still are.
I come by it all naturally, as my mother's own expectations were off the chart. My hapless dad, imperfect as he was, did his best to shower her with flowers and a lunch or dinner out, all the while thinking, and even saying, "You are not my mom."
Ouch.
We have heard all the opinions on having expectations and I will not belabor them here. Needless to say, I have not listened to said opinions that say it is best to not have expectations; therefore, you will never be disappointed. But I have many -- for others and for myself -- and this will more than likely never change. I desire growth for myself, as well as others, and I think this is healthy and normal and good.
My three adult children have their own lives, as it should be, and I am happy for them. One son has his own wife, our Lauren, who he loves and who I love. And she is an amazing mom now, too, to my precious Charlotte and amazing Amelia. She is worthy of honor and respect because HE is worthy and HE created her, uniquely and wonderfully. I am so blessed to have her in my life!
When I think of being a mom, I think of God's mercy and grace, lavished upon me, and I know I don't deserve it. Not in the true sense of the word for I am not a big fan of that word. There is no way that I deserve anything that I have, but that is the whole point of grace: unmerited favor.
Another thing that crosses my mind when I think of being a mother is that one day I will have to say goodbye to my beloved three, plus my granddaughters, and it is heartbreaking to me. I haven't talked much about this to anyone, only a select few. But I would bet that many a mom feels the same way as me.
There are a lot of different types of grief. One such type, for me, is the thought that death will come, and with it, a temporary separation from those who are my flesh and blood, the ones that came from my own body. My prayer, of course, is that I die before my kids so, of course, I will leave them.
I will be in the presence of my King, Jesus, and that will be glorious. At that moment, I will feel no loss and no pain, as that is what the Bible promises. For me, it's the time before that, when I know I am going to die, that causes me much angst. How sad will I be, seeing them for the last time, until we meet again? I have no idea, but it is something that I have thought about for years.
The greatest of all sadness to me is that their lives will go on, and I will not be here to witness it. All the things I will miss. Selfishly, I want to be here for everything!
I realize that everyone who has ever lived has been in this situation. No one gets out of here alive, unless the rapture happens soon and I pray it does! Maybe I have a unique take on all of this. But maybe not.
Maybe other parents feel the same way, but they are afraid to verbalize it. It doesn't feel good. At all.
My hope and my prayer are either I die suddenly and have absolutely no time to think about any of this or I get complete and total peace when the time comes. I know that once I am in Heaven, all will be well because I will be in the presence of my Creator Redeemer, worshipping at His feet, and He has promised no more tears or pain.
What is the moral of this story, what is a mom to do that feels any of the feelings described? Try to be in the moment and enjoy the here and now. Love your kids, your grandkids, your spouse, your friends, your life. Love whoever God puts in your path.
Try your best to live a life with no regrets.
Happy Mother's Day!